Flatforms and platforms and woodgrain sandals, oh my! There’s never been a better time to be an ugly-shoe-lover, has there? Shuffling around in orthopedic shoes that your mum doesn’t understand is officially OK this summer, so those of us with a penchant for a chunky heel and wooden detail are in luck. These are my faves, all of which are guaranteed to make your legs 20% shorter and confuse your colleagues 20% more.

1) Simone Rocha Cindy Rella, £734, Farfetch - jelly shoes mate with brogues for a Frankenstein’s monster of a sandal, complete with visible stitching.

2) ASOS Hide & Seek Leather Platform Sandals, £85, ASOS - glitter and stick-on flowers = teenage dream shoe

3) Topshop Wynna Wedges, £55, Topshop - yet more glitter – and they said you couldn’t polish a turd. I jest, of course, these shoes are fucking beauts.

4) Givenchy Eyelet Sandals, £459.25, the Outnet - if it’s Givenchy, it can’t be ugly. I don’t even know if these fit in the category of ugly sh0e, but I do know that if I wore them that guy at work who takes issue with everything I wear would say something about them, so by that measure, they’re in.

5) ASOS Hepburn Sandals, £95, ASOS - the most acceptable face of the ugly shoes, these ASOS platforms are gonna be my summer shoe of choice. I know some people take issue with a woodgrain heel but I love it – these shoes, me, a margarita, the Mandalay Bay beach… Vegas won’t know what’s hit it this summer and these shoes are gonna be a key part of it.